Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Official x 2

I was officially cruisingat60 a couple of days ago and today I was officially divorced. The ex-husband went to court with my attorney, saw the judge, signed the paperwork, and became a free man, just as he wanted.

As I've written before, I know I'm much better off without him than with him. I know he did me a favor by taking this step. Even so, I know I would never have left him because my life with him was not as hateful as he says his life was with me. I also know I would have done nearly anything to repair the decades of damage we did to each other so we could salvage this marriage and our history

don't know what he thinks love looks like, but despite his claims that I never showed him love, not once, and never, ever said it to him (seriously?), I know I loved him and showed him in thousands of ways that I did. Despite his claim that my interests, the things I liked to do, never included him, I know I tried time after time to include him so we could have common interests and time together, and he rebuffed my attempts again and again.  

I also know these contradictory things that have had me convinced I was crazy because what he was telling me bore no relation to what I knew - he now tells me he took his many overseas assignments so he could get away from me, but back then he wanted me to travel with him and when I couldn't, he brought me lovely, loving things every time he returned; that until this mess began he called me every day when he was away; that ten eight months before he told me he didn't love me, had never loved me, and had been faking it for 35 years, he gave me an extravagant version of simple jewelry I had asked for in passing; that in that same time period we had taken two long, enjoyable road trips to see our children; and that on our 30th anniversary, he said another 30 would not be enough. I have scores of these facts. They are not my imaginings, not what I want to believe.

For me, the head and the heart are two different monsters that are forever locked in epic battle, so here is what I feelanger, bitterness, and a strong, strong desire to see him crashed and burned. I want to see him in pain and broken. In my heart I know I don't want to live this way forever, consumed by visions of revenge and eaten up with hatred. Several times he told me he wanted me to hate him, and right now, once again, he gets what he wants. Right now I hate him with blazing intensity for his lying, cheating, manipulations, cowardice, and threats to take every penny away from me, and I need to let it burn for a while. I have to allow the reality of these feelings.  Right now I will take this hatred, bitterness, and anger, and own them, as a friend said. Then, when I'm ready, whenever that might be and I make no promises, I will hold them in my hands and take a good look at them. I will pick apart their layers, discard what isn't important, and get to their rotted core. I do believe that once I confront them and acknowledge their validity, they will lose their hold on me. I hope it will also lead to freeing myself of the unbelievable power of his continued hold on me. I can then take step after step away and continue to live my life the way I need and want to live it. I'm not expecting these steps to be on an easy path but no one ever said a path with heart was an easy one to travel. I just need it to be one that leads me away.


Thought of the day (regarding "manning up" if you don't see the connection):

Why do people say "grow some balls?" Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding. (Attributed to Betty White but Snopes.com thinks otherwise)